Mafia Gazette Past Issue 36
Wednesday 28th September 'DOUBLE TRAGEDY IN FAMILY ' The early hours of this morning saw a double tragedy in our community. Street Boss Merc was gunned down in the streets and his grieving widow committed suicide, as she could not bear to be without her beloved husband. Rumours have abounded as to who was behind this terrible murder, with some speculating that another boss was involved. The Boss in question was arrested by the police, but released shortly afterwards with no further comment to make to the gathered reporters other than “I’m being framed. This is a terrible crime, and I would like to see the guilty party pay for this.” Anyone with any information is asked to contact the police, or the Gazette Editor as soon as possible. 'GOOD NEWS FOR EDITOR IN MISS MAFIA CONTEST ' The final results of the Miss Mafia contest were announced in the early hours of this morning, with the shock result of the Editor of the Gazette, Miss Carmela DeAngelis, walking away with the title and the million-dollar prize money. Second place was taken by Envious, with Venom_VixenIII and Valencia taking joint third place. All the young ladies performed well, and the organisers assure me that the points were tight at the final scoring with less than 20 points separating the top four out of a maximum total of 450 points that could be awarded. Some have seen the winner as the judges and competition sponsors attempting to curry favour with the newspaper, however with the judging being so close and each judge marking separately, it would be a difficult feat to pull off collectively. This accusation is unfounded and cheapens the effort the other ladies put into their responses to each of the judges over the past week. Well done to all involved and we look forward to the next Miss Mafia contest. 'NOTES FROM THE ASYLUM #6 ' By: Lexicon I am extremely excited about our new facilities! Everyone seems to be behaving themselves, even Tie, though some of the fruitloops are questioning his appointment. I've said it before and I'll say it again - who better to understand the warped, twisted mind of a crazy person than a warped, twisted crazy person? Recently at St. MZs: St.MZs II is already paying dividends - We have currently rounded up enough drooling mentalists to keep our water bottling plant in operation for the next two years! Sightings of a blue moustachioed stranger have been unnerving the nutjobs. If you have information, which could help identify this man, please contact me ASAP. -Our research into sexual deviancy- the "Fronsac Project" is already inundated with potential research subjects from within the community. Paulo_Antonio_Vaccarelli is particularly interested in finding young, female members of the raincoat brigade to further his "medical knowledge". 'JOURNAL OF A FORGOTTEN MAN ' Dear Journal September 28. Today was a very uneventful day, except I was wrongly accused of selling illegal firearms. Some old lady accused me of soliciting her a submachine gun. I denied theses accusations, until the mask came off the "old lady" was actually a 24 year old, male police officer. The concept of make up has come along way in the six years I was in that asylum. Anyway, I was escorted to their station and was put into a cell. Did I mention "my room" at the asylum and this cell was so similar it was creepy? I didn't? Well, it was too close for comfort. They were about the same size, 6 feet long by 4 feet wide. As I sit on the cot, I was able to hear the screams in my head. Others, like me, being tortured. They always said, “The electricity they ran through our bodies would help”. It didn't, it just made us madder. Then the pills, the pills to calm the anger. They called us "violent", will wouldn't you be too if they had you naked, strapped to a metal table, with electrodes on your body? This happen for 30 minutes everyday, non-stop. I started to sneeze, as I inhaled, I smelled charred flesh. I quickly had to move my hand away from and I looked it over, no burns that wasn't already there. Was it just in my mind, or was my flesh actually charred? A few hours of screams went by and then they found out they couldn't hold me. I was released from yet another cell. My quest to know what had happen that frightful day seven years ago once more started, so I hit the streets looking for answers.... 'LETTERS TO THE EDITOR ' Dear Carmela, Ah look! Another charming letter from me. I know, please contain yourself. Give it up people! Nothing you say is going to make our world better. Yes, we get it. We need a MadeMan, or Woman. Personally I love it when a woman is in charge, it just gets my juices flowing. But, voting on it or just coming to the streets announcing who is Made and who isn't is not the way to go about it. Ohhh who do you want to see made? Who cares? I mean really! It's either yourself, or your close friend. And everyone has someone who doesn’t like them. That’s just how this world works. So do us all a favour and shut the hell up and wait, like the rest of us. Yours Always and Forever Cooter J. Poo 'WE HEAR THAT… ' Gossip column by: Trixie ....Almighty God is living with Yvonne in sin. I was told that AlmightyGod was seen slinking out of his flat around 6am to go to work, you know answering prayers and smiting people...all in a days work really. When at 630am who should appear? And no, its not St. Nick you moron...Yvonne, dressed and fresh as a daisy. So if God cant follow his own commandments, why should we? ....TieDomiII is currently looking for his shade of lipstick. Ladies, he needs your help. Purple seems to suit him, but coral does not. Brown brings out the yellow in his teeth and Red just makes him look pale and washed out. Suggestions needed. Send them to Tie. Also with directions on what he should do with that unsightly back hair. ....DeepThought was sat on a park bench for a good 5-6 hours earlier yesterday evening. When he was finally roused from his trance and asked what happened, someone replied with.. "You were lost in thought...Guess it was unfamiliar territory." and walked away. 'CLASSIFIEDS ' Anyone wishing to place an ad should send it in to CarmelaDeAngelis at the Gazette Offices in Chicago. All ads are free, but must still fall within the set guidelines. 16:36, January 5, 2013 (UTC)16:36, January 5, 2013 (UTC)16:36, January 5, 2013 (UTC)Hice19 (talk) 16:36, January 5, 2013 (UTC) WRITERS WANTED: Several positions have become vacant at the newspaper including article writers, current affairs reporters and an Obits writer. Please contact the Gazette Editor for more details on any of these positions. Good rates of pay apply for each position. 16:36, January 5, 2013 (UTC)16:36, January 5, 2013 (UTC)16:36, January 5, 2013 (UTC)Hice19 (talk) 16:36, January 5, 2013 (UTC) HORSES FOR SALE. 1 Platinum Hussy $425,000 Tuesday 11:59PM 2 Undercover Runner $575,000 Tuesday 10:29AM 3 Handicapped Moonwalker $585,000 Tuesday 11:59PM 4 Square Tomcat $375,000 Tuesday 01:29PM 5 Hairy Captain $200,000 Tuesday 06:29AM 6 Modern Dancer $800,000 Tuesday 12:29PM 7 Jumping Illusion $550,000 Tuesday 08:29PM 8 Brilliant Democrat $425,000 Tuesday 04:29AM 9 Foul Dancer $650,000 Tuesday 10:29AM 10 Wet Dancer $550,000 Tuesday 01:59PM 11 Slippery Centurion $550,000 Tuesday 11:59PM 12 Colorful Chick $265,000 Tuesday 05:59AM 13 Drunk WitchCraft $575,000 Wednesday 02:29AM 14 Clumsy Communiist $525,000 Tuesday 09:59PM 15 Cheating Hippo $470,000 Tuesday 10:29PM 16 Gloomy Hippo $415,000 Tuesday 09:29PM Each and every horse pays money very frequently. Please contact BeansAreTheMagicalFruit for more details. 16:36, January 5, 2013 (UTC)16:36, January 5, 2013 (UTC)16:36, January 5, 2013 (UTC)Hice19 (talk) 16:36, January 5, 2013 (UTC) The Starlight Pub- NY If you have ever been to the city you know how the lights block out any chance of ever seeing a shooting star. Well at Starlight Pub, we bring the outdoors inside! So Stop by, look up, and make a wish. Our adress is as follows. http://www.mafia.org/m2/comm-readpost.php?bar&id=6634 16:36, January 5, 2013 (UTC)16:36, January 5, 2013 (UTC)16:36, January 5, 2013 (UTC)Hice19 (talk) 16:36, January 5, 2013 (UTC) Finding Neverland- NY A bar that appears to be out of a fairytale. And the only place in NY where you can see Thanatos speechless for once in his life! Stop in today for a free pint on us! The Bar can be located at the following adress in NY city. http://www.mafia.org/m2/comm-readpost.php?bar&id=1067 16:36, January 5, 2013 (UTC)16:36, January 5, 2013 (UTC)16:36, January 5, 2013 (UTC)Hice19 (talk) 16:36, January 5, 2013 (UTC) 'Anyone wishing to submit articles should do so by 10am Mafia time on the day of publications. Articles will be paid for on an individual basis. Please contact CarmelaDeAngelis, Editor of The Mafia Gazette, at the Gazette Offices, Chicago. All articles must conform to the guidelines available in the booklet “Newspaper Recruiting” available on the newsstand. ' http://pvp.a.mafia.org/gazette.php?issue=44